As a nation mourns, Tiny Tim appears in Tiny Town to bless us

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 ←TINY TOWN'S TINY TIM (NOTE: RIGHT-HAND)

 THE REAL MCCOY ↓ (NOTE: LEFT-HAND)

 

 

TINY TOWN, USA –With another dead Kennedy in the national boneyard and pop singers like MJ who refuse to die, it is with great relief and pleasure we report the spirit of Tiny Tim as alive and well in Tiny Town.

 

The manchild we call Narcissus (pictured above left) cannot play a lick on his tiny guitar. But his presence alone suffused the barren Downtown Central Business District with a peaceful, honey-lighted special effect on Aug. 29. Good enough for Tiny News!

Key differences between Tiny Town's Tiny Tim and the original: Our Tiny Tim cannot sing or play music. However, his haunting atonal mewings are spine tingling. Secondly: Our Tiny Tim has a guitar, not a ukulele. Thirdly: Our Tiny Tim is right-handed. The original Tiny Tim was a southpaw, like Jimi Hendrix, who was born here, and the superb Tiny Town-bred guitarist Peter Salidar. 

For these reasons and for the fact that it is important to provide content for TTT until we get the weekend police activity log up and going (Cop Central PR often doesn't post weekend wrap-ups until late Monday) we bring you this newsy bagatelle.

In 1932, Mr. Tim was born Herbert Khaury, son of a Lebanese Maronite Catholic dad and a Polish mom who was Jewish. That alone makes him somebody worth remembering as the World Bank considers bringing the winter Olympics to Beirut.

He died in 1996, curiously, from a second heart attack that struck him down during a performance of his signature tune "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" played at a Gala Benefit of The Woman's Club of Minneapolis, MN. (this according to Prof. Wik I. P'Dia).

What man hasn't suffered a touch of angina at a woman's club, we ask you? 

Tiny Town's Tiny Tim looks fairly robust these days and we look forward to years and years of him. While our boy appears to lack any redeeming social significance or musical knowledge whatsoever, he nonetheless belongs here because he IS here and there doesn't seem to be anything we can do to make him go away.

No, you won't hear him singing old Tin Pan Alley tunes or see him charming TV audiences with his eccentric falsetto. You will find him occasionally in face paint, talking to himself and presenting odd facial affects as he flounces down The Commons. 

He is a freak! But he's our freak. 

And as we bury another Kennedy secret, as the nation gasps when it turns out MJ was merely in a demerol coma and claw marks are found on the inside of his coffin lid, as the body count goes up across the globe in wars only a Christian could dream up and a Muslim take seriously, God/Allah Bless Tiny Tim, where ever you are.

– C. Penbroke Handy 

Last Updated on Friday, 04 September 2009 23:53
 

Tiny Town hosts Sovereign Citizens and Curious Events Unfold

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HOP ON THE BUS, GUS: (Above left) The "vessel" and "dwelling place" of members of a group called the Church of Sovereigns who say they have an inalienable god-given Constitutional right to traverse American roads without recourse to license, registration or insurance. However, they could use some gas money so if you'd like to provide them with a voucher, check for information below.  (Right) Sgt. Watkins directs Mr. Sovereign Godsent to a place where, with a licensed driver aboard, they can move their "vessel." Earlier a driver named Jim was arrested by police for a suspended license. A passerby named Wayne agreed to move the bus for them and after a jump start, parked it in an adjacent lot belonging to owner of Teamo smoke shop. 

   

SMILE: (Above left) A woman who calls herself "Sue Yo Ass" videotapes Sgt. Watkins of the Ithaca Police Department at the Mobil Station on Meadow Street as he explains state and local laws regarding unlicensed drivers and unregistered vehicles. (Right) A child on the "vessel" appears to be upset by the scene at the Mobil Station on Meadow Street. Ms. Y. Ass stated that Sgt. Watkins had no legal authority over them and that Watkins himself was running up a tab of $15,000 gold fee for any questions he put to her. 

 

TINY TOWN, USA – A confused and confusing scene at the Meadow St. Mobil Station Aug. 25 amounted to a skirmish between Tiny Town's Police Department and a brood of antagonistas who claim sovereign status as a divine right. The driver of the vehicle, or "vessel" as the sovereigns refer to it, was arrested for suspended license. No one else on board the vessel possessed a license and claimed that, as soil-born American sovereign citizens, they had every right to drive a non-commercial vessel/dwelling on all roads in all 50 states. 

The group also call themselves The Sovereign Copwatch and all interactions with the police were videotaped for posting on Youtube, according to a member of the group. 

No clear winner emerged from the relatively peaceful clash but TTT editors gained some insights into a revolutionary religious group whose basic guiding text, they claim, is the United States Constitution as well as the Bill of Rights and  "Title 4 Flag Says You're Schwag!" a guide that purports to be The Sovereign Citizen's Handbook, compiled by J.M. Sovereign:Godsent, author and de-facto leader of the movement.

Just our luck Mr. Godsent was at the scene. While it was impossible without tape recorder to capture Mr. Godsent's stream of legalese he stated the arrest was a "kidnapping" and "an act of war" and that the City of Ithaca was going to need deep pockets to get out of it. 

Sgt. Watkins of the Ithaca Police Department was on hand to ensure that the bus was navigated by a licensed driver, away from the scene to a legal parking spot and perhaps out of sight for the remainder of his career (he did not say so but one might infer it). Mr. Godsent claimed Sgt. Watkins was a corrupt atheist interfering with his companions' sovereign right to travel without license or restriction as a non-commercial "vessel" and "dwelling." 

Sgt. Watkins did not flinch when Mr. Godsent referred to the police on duty as a bunch of vultures and ignoramuses.

"I don't care what they believe in," said Watkins. "I would just like for them to get licenses if they want to drive." Looking at the sky, he added: "You couldn't ask for a nicer day, could you?"

If we paint Mr. Godsent in an unflattering light we also acknowledge that the man is serious about his commitment to nothing less than an American sovereign revolution. He truly wishes to convince Americans that they are unwitting dupes and slaves to an illegal corporation called the United States of America and that by severing themselves from this debt-encumbered leviathan they can become truly free citizens.

Without our Whole Earth Catalogue and or TTT's lawyer who is currently doing time himself (in order to bone up on his studies) for back-up, our editors take a neutral stance but also offer a couple of our own ideas about Mr. Godsent's mission.

For one: We like it!  This is cool news. This is the kind of stuff you hope to run into when you are cub reporter.

Two: We're not getting on the bus! 

Mr. Godsent's book, written in a lively style and chock full of legal references and punchy language, urges readers to learn things for themselves and provides numerous source materials. We think that's great. 

However, it teeters on the fanciful and incorrectly assumes or seems to assume that the founding fathers were Christians as opposed to Enlightened Deists. The founding fathers, in fact, had little truck with religion except to keep it the hell away from the state. They were justifiably leery of the Puritans of their time and of religion in general. 

So to our eyes, Mr. Godsent's guide is misinformed and its back jacket references to the Kingdom of Yahweh, the Church of Sovereigns and emblems proclaiming "Ambassador for Christ" demonstrate a blurring of boundaries and smack of a God-cult.

There is an excellent chapter on the history of the flag of the United States that, once verified by an outside source, would serve well in a grade school history course. In fact, Mr. Godsent claims the flag currently used by the U.S. government is not the true flag of the sons of liberty and should not be sworn to. Also, if you want to throw a judge for a loop next time you're in a court for a traffic violation, if there is a flag with a gold fringed border present, ask your honor if it is a military court or a civil court you are in. 

But aside from having some fun with law and the fact that Mr. Godsent makes many excellent points, including a fascinating take on birth certificates that may well be close to true, our final judgment on this band of gypsies is that they are looking for a free ride. Hey, we are too, but we pay taxes here. Yes, we give blood-money to an invasive, World Bank government. 

Mr. Godsent himself is quite a forceful personality and showed no fear of police authority at the scene of the Aug. 25 incident. In fact, the arrest served Mr. Godsent with a staging area and photo op for his mission. All aboard seemed well practiced at the business of recording interactions with the police. And Mr. Godsent was as polite to our reporter as he was somewhat insulting to the officer in charge, Sgt. Watkins, although even here, Mr. Godsent was generally polite if fervent in extremis.

Aboard the "vessel" and "dwelling" in question were a child a two dogs. It was warm and they appeared to be hot and the child was crying but we make no more of that. Who hasn't seen a child in a car, in a store, on the street, crying? It was a little disconcerting but she otherwise appeared to be fine and the dogs were friendly, if thirsty as the plants on the bus. A NYS licensed passerby named Wayne offered to move the bus from the filling station to an adjacent parking lot and did so after a jump start saving the sovereigns a costly tow job.

As for Jim, the man who was arrested, his court appearance was held on Friday, Aug. 28. At the time of this report we have no news of him. 

Just for the record, we quote some passages from a piece in The Nation written by author Brooke Allen.  

"Our Constitution makes no mention whatever of God ... In the Declaration of Independence, (God) gets two brief nods: a reference to "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God," and the famous line about men being "endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights." More blatant official references to a deity date from long after the founding period: "In God We Trust" did not appear on our coinage until the Civil War, and "under God" was introduced into the Pledge of Allegiance during the McCarthy hysteria in 1954 [see Elisabeth Sifton, "The Battle Over the Pledge," April 5, 2004]."

Further: "If we define a Christian as a person who believes in the divinity of Jesus Christ, then it is safe to say that some of the key Founding Fathers were not Christians at all. Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and Tom Paine were deists--that is, they believed in one Supreme Being but rejected revelation and all the supernatural elements of the Christian Church; the word of the Creator, they believed, could best be read in Nature. John Adams was a professed liberal Unitarian, but he, too, in his private correspondence seems more deist than Christian ... George Washington and James Madison also leaned toward deism, although neither took much interest in religious matters. Madison believed that "religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprize." "

For Allen's complete article, see: www.thenation.com/doc/20050221/allen

That's not a total snub of Mr. Godsent's mission. However, he introduces his own delightful book this way:

"Let us give thanks and praise to God that he gives us the blessing of a birthright to a Constitution that's designed to protect the people from government abuse and a nation of good brothers and sisters who aren't afraid to use it."

The rest of the book is a heady romp through all manner of laws and loopholes for the determined convert to sovereign religion and some very clever stuff about Universal Commercial Code 1-308 that we plan to use in our office here. Again it is spoiled by the unstated but inferred condition that anyone who does not believe in the Sovereign God is an atheist and that being an atheist is really bad for your health, perhaps even unconstitutional. Can a poor atheist not become a sovereign citizen? That seems kind of ... Old Testament.

Finally a note about the book's title. While "flag" indeed rhymes with "schwag," we are confused. Schwag is slang for crap-ass marijuana that doesn't get one high. Their logo, too, strongly resembles the Grateful Deadhead's skull and the group's itinerary appears to mimic that of many other festival hopping hipsters. The Rainbow People, for instance. That's fine, but the messages are rather mixed.

But if you can get your hands on this book, do check it out. Like the articles and legal marginalia in The Whole Earth Catalogue, it's got some great tips. Provided that you are someone who wants to work the system to get around the system and someone who also possesses the time and energy to "play catch me if you can." A little jail time is optional but likely if you follow this lifestyle. 

For more information about this book, the sovereign folks and their wanderings, check out www.sovereign-citizenship.net or just Google Sovereign Citizen.

It's definitely worth a look. 

–– C. Penbroke Handy 

 

 

Last Updated on Saturday, 29 August 2009 21:53
 

Tiny Town Artist Pimps his Pad on Yoville Now Looking for Pick-Up Truck

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TINY TOWN, USA – Local rock n' roll artist, filmmaker and floral engineer Joe Bice isn't wasting time these days.

No sooner did he pimp his pad on Facebook's Yoville when he started looking for a pick-up truck so he can get some extra work and cruise for chicks. 

At the same time, he scored a "Not Spoiled, Gifted" yellow ribbon award on Facebook's Farmville for being such a great farmer. 

When asked if he would comment on his successes, Bice the artist demurred, saying he didn't want to steal thunder from the headlines about Michael Jackson's alleged homicide and Ted Kennedy's final farewell to Chappaquiddick. 

We look forward to more good works from Joe B. as he expands his holdings in Yoville and prepares to haul in a blue ribbon harvest down on his virtual farm.

– C. Penbroke Handy 

A MAN'S MAN: (Right) Speaking of Chappaquiddick  -- Joe Bice outside Club Xeno in Tiny Town where his band "The Chapped Ass" performed in June. 

Last Updated on Friday, 28 August 2009 10:21
 

Big Huge and Little Tiny in: New Shoes

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Last Updated on Sunday, 08 February 2015 12:29
 


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