Home General Assignment Tendering to Tiny Town, Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2013

Tendering to Tiny Town, Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2013

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The team at tinytowntimes.com has been going through its annual self-analysis, and, coins of the realm are once again rattling in their tin canister, once meant for filing recipes. Chad Coles called a halt to the metastasizing self-doubt and ordered Anon to compose something, anything, for the site. Here goes:

• To those with federal tax extensions, your deadline has passed. Don't worry, it's an anarchy now.

• A young man messing about with a young woman who was indulging in the lavish attentions of more than one young man, drew the ire and a missile from the firearm of another young man; now all are left with a lifetime to explain themselves to themselves and wish it never had happened.

• Insomnia is still popular with all classes of people.

• Someone noticed it was Cider Week last week.

• Downtown superstore parking lot sweeper trucks can be heard wailing away at their dull duties from the hours of midnight to roughly 4 a.m.; those stricken with unsolicited insomnia will hear the incessant whine and wish to annihilate the source of the offending instruments.

• An Ithaca man devised a method of eradicating current powers-that-be by concocting an aerosol spray so odious it almost matches the worst thoughts anyone could have about Herr Boehner.

• The government shutdown finally hit home when an Ithaca mother of five children, each sired by a different man, did not receive her monthly stipend for siring five children who are the offspring of five different men, whose subsidized rent went unpaid, causing a ruckus no one wanted to hear on an otherwise lovely October afternoon.

• A Northeast Ithaca man cursed the fine weather, having purchased a leaf blower on a layaway plan. Said leaf blower remains unused owing to the aforementioned fine weather.

• Two unidentified people went outside their rental unit to smoke cigarettes, as their lease forbade smoking indoors. Due to the unusually calm night, the smoke drifted into the bedroom of a young couple who were not supposed to be together, their heated intercourse rendering them indifferent to the acrid tang of the smoke which invaded their flared nostrils. Later, the male who is believed to have been copulating with the young woman, was shot through the groin by the estranged lover of the unknown coital partner of the victim, an act of vengeance that predates the Western bible but is recognized in the French courts. The exit wound was described as being near the victim's anus, a heinous infliction if ever there was one. It is a most unpleasant way to be punished for having followed nature's powerful calling, one that afflicts the young, in particular, most painfully, as the French courts recognize.

• Blue jays celebrated the exodus of the last starlings by stealing all their abandoned nesting materials and otherwise living it up.

• Folks in the countryside were seen drying their laundry on clotheslines, apparently not aware that bloomers look peculiar in full sunlight.

– Compiled by Anon.

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